I'm here to save the world

 Last year around this same time I sat in my office and cried... I desperately needed and wanted my staff to have access to the COVID vaccination in round one.  I fought, I made my voice heard, my team got vaccinated.  As soon as orders were placed over 90% of my team was in within a few hours getting their first round of COVID vaccinations.  My heart overflowed with joy and hope.

It's fair to say I support vaccinations for COVID.

Fast forward to this year.  The COVID vaccination was approved for emergency use authorization for the 5-12 year olds.  This brought on a whole new set of emotions.  I cannot really put a finger on what made me hesitant to make an appointment for my 5 year old to be vaccinated, but the hesitancy and fear were real.  I spent many hours reading on pros and cons.  I went to work everyday knowing I felt safer because I was vaccinated.  I see and hear the outcomes of those unvaccinated in our ICUs compared to the outcomes of those vaccinated and hospitalized.  I know the value of vaccinations and yet I was hesitant.

You see my 5 year old is neurodivergent.  He has asthma.  He has ADHA.  He has sensory processing disorder.  He has anxiety.  And despite his age he continues to get croup so severe it's ended him in the ED multiple times this past year.  I know that should he get COVID it is a 50/50 chance that it could be mild or severe.  Still I was hesitant.  My mind swirled with the "what ifs" in spite of the cognitive knowledge I have that should he end up infected his outcomes would be better if he were vaccinated.... and still I hesitated.

I made an appointment for his first vaccination only to cancel it a few miles from the appointment, because I didn't feel ready.  I continued to read and I continued to ponder. Ultimately, knowing that my team of PTs and OTs who is part of a proning team in the ICUs is now helping with pediatric patients proning. This ultimately is life saving efforts. I don't want to be on that end.  I still wonder the long term effects.  I still wonder if he would have made the same decision for himself as an adult.  Fact is I am trusting what data we have and making the best decision possible at this moment.

My reason for writing tonight is not to change anyones mind but rather to shed light that it's not an easy decision to make.  It's ok to know the positive impact vaccinations can have and still be hesitant when considering our littlest humans.  It's ok to have conflicting knowledge and emotions.  It happens in life everyday, it just felt magnified when considering little ones.  It's ok.

Today he received his first vaccination and he told the nurse... "I'm here to save the world."

when the world closes in on you

 

We arrived home today and my newly five year old was spent.  He requested to have iPad time which I obliged him with knowing that it would provide him with an opportunity to decompress, something we all need and as adults may not do as often as we should.  After a few minutes I became a little concerned that 1) I didn't hear the iPad playing, and 2) I was not able to visually see where he was.  Not likely a big concern for most parents of 5 years old but for me it is.  You see, my 5 year old has ADHD, sensory processing deficits, and anxiety and has a strong sense of independence and an "I can do it by myself" attitude.  He has on occasion helped himself to attempting to 'take a walk on his own' or 'practice scootering' for a race he's imagined in his mind around the neighborhood.

A little panicked I called him name only to hear a small little voice call out, "I'm in here, in this box."

I knew at that moment tonight would be a night of calming, providing him with as much love as he needed because the outside world and all of it chaos closed in on his sensory system a little too much today.  He needed his small space, he needed time alone, and he needed a safe place to do that in.

I haven't blogged or written much in a very long time and mostly because I am still processing many feelings, thoughts, and internal challenges with being a parent to a small human who seems to need way more than my expertise and years of experiences working with pediatrics can provide.  It's completely different with your own child than one you work with in therapy.

As I reflect this evening on how I can best parent him I am also left pondering my days work and the recent past few months and parenting in general and can totally relate to wanting to be in a box, alone, with a comforting item and a safe place to just be.  I thought about how the small pink bracelet he is wearing in this photo left me with hours of worry and wishing and hoping that none of his peers would tease him for wanting to wear a pink unicorn bracelet just like his best friend, who happens to be a girl.  The same girl, he stood up for when she was bullied by other peers, albeit not in the most appropriate fashion but in a logical 5 year old fashion.  I reflect on how at his young age as his parent I have already experienced the 'looks' from other parents when his strong demands come out or when he's adamant that things go his way.  I then reflect back on how things gets squished out sideways at work when change is happening and it isn't what the team hoped for or would ask for.  I reflect and see there are some parallels.  I know I am hard on myself and look for grace from other parents, my team and family and friends because I as a human in both positions of being a parent and leader for a group; too often fail.  On those days such as today when both work and personal life the world seems to want to crash in on us, I too need a box or at least a safe place to share.

It was one of those nights that you wonder, who else is in Holland with me because I find that while I don't ask often I am in need of support from my fellow Holland parents.  I know I can't be the only one on an island balancing work and life.

*Holland reference is in regards to the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley