We arrived home today and my newly five year old was spent. He requested to have iPad time which I obliged him with knowing that it would provide him with an opportunity to decompress, something we all need and as adults may not do as often as we should. After a few minutes I became a little concerned that 1) I didn't hear the iPad playing, and 2) I was not able to visually see where he was. Not likely a big concern for most parents of 5 years old but for me it is. You see, my 5 year old has ADHD, sensory processing deficits, and anxiety and has a strong sense of independence and an "I can do it by myself" attitude. He has on occasion helped himself to attempting to 'take a walk on his own' or 'practice scootering' for a race he's imagined in his mind around the neighborhood.
A little panicked I called him name only to hear a small little voice call out, "I'm in here, in this box."
I knew at that moment tonight would be a night of calming, providing him with as much love as he needed because the outside world and all of it chaos closed in on his sensory system a little too much today. He needed his small space, he needed time alone, and he needed a safe place to do that in.
I haven't blogged or written much in a very long time and mostly because I am still processing many feelings, thoughts, and internal challenges with being a parent to a small human who seems to need way more than my expertise and years of experiences working with pediatrics can provide. It's completely different with your own child than one you work with in therapy.
As I reflect this evening on how I can best parent him I am also left pondering my days work and the recent past few months and parenting in general and can totally relate to wanting to be in a box, alone, with a comforting item and a safe place to just be. I thought about how the small pink bracelet he is wearing in this photo left me with hours of worry and wishing and hoping that none of his peers would tease him for wanting to wear a pink unicorn bracelet just like his best friend, who happens to be a girl. The same girl, he stood up for when she was bullied by other peers, albeit not in the most appropriate fashion but in a logical 5 year old fashion. I reflect on how at his young age as his parent I have already experienced the 'looks' from other parents when his strong demands come out or when he's adamant that things go his way. I then reflect back on how things gets squished out sideways at work when change is happening and it isn't what the team hoped for or would ask for. I reflect and see there are some parallels. I know I am hard on myself and look for grace from other parents, my team and family and friends because I as a human in both positions of being a parent and leader for a group; too often fail. On those days such as today when both work and personal life the world seems to want to crash in on us, I too need a box or at least a safe place to share.
It was one of those nights that you wonder, who else is in Holland with me because I find that while I don't ask often I am in need of support from my fellow Holland parents. I know I can't be the only one on an island balancing work and life.
*Holland reference is in regards to the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley
