Mama Bears growl, then return to their dens to cry

This post is merely for processing sake.

Over the past week to two weeks I had been getting daily "negative Nelly" notes from childcare about my two year old.  Their concern is valid.  Their approach is way off base (ok in my mind it is).  And before I even write my processing you must know, I very much appreciate the childcare workers.

Let's just start with some history.  He had torticollis as an infant which I thought had been correct via chiropractic visits.  Come to find out it affect much more than a head tilt.  He has difficulty crossing midline, he W sits, it took him longer than his peers to jump with two feet off the ground, he just learned to walk stairs, his running pattern is that of a younger child because his balance and coordination are off.  Included in all of this his feet pronate.  So this is a child who braces and stabilizes himself by holding onto an object, a person, a wall anything that can help stabilize him when he's engaged in gross motor activities.  Guess what happens when one of his peers is moving around close to him and he loses balance?  Yep, you guessed it... he reaches out which could look like a hit or could look like a grab.  His purpose is not ill intended.

Second part of this history, My two year old was born via c section.  C section babies empirically have a higher rate and incidence of sensory processing challenges.  And yes, my son does have sensory challenges.  He loves crashing, he loves feeling water, milk, and type of liquid pouring over his body, he is an oral sensory seeker so he chews on many things.  So add this in the mix, a two year old who has poor balance with a need for deep pressure... he learns that crashing into things regardless of what they are provides him with input that his little body needs, or hitting things with his hands will give him input through his arms.  Now are there times that 'hitting' is typically 2 year old behavior?  Of course I've seen it at home.  The majority of times the hitting is a communication of an unmet need.

Now thirdly add into this mix, the same 2 year old who has had ear surgery, has current ear issues (including likely needing additional ear surgeries).  A 2 year old who experience discomfort in lying down on harder surfaces because of his ears.  Inner ear difficulties that likely contribute to gross motor coordination and balance.

And fourthly, take into consideration a 2 year old who is able to come home and tell his mom he was asked to sit in his cubby for what I assume was a time out.  A 2 year old who starts his day singing and ends his day singing.  A 2 year old whose interest is that of playing the violin.  A 2 year old who is persistent and has determination and grit.  A 2 year old who has language skills that are higher than his age and gets higher expectations for behaviors even though socially emotionally, he is just that; a 2 year old.

So now for the story, after calling my husband in tears nearly every day this week after drop off because of the comments "he's been hitting", "I gave him a chewy to save my toys" "He won't take a nap" I was already getting worn down of hearing what my son didn't do well with.  Then I got a strong email this afternoon suggesting that my son needs additional evaluation.  No further explanation other than his behavior of hitting.  No indication was made in the small comments in the mornings that these behaviors were at the intensity level which was indicated in the email.  No data collection until that morning.  No offers of explanation of what had been tried at school and what wasn't working, just that your son needs an evaluation. I've offered information about having a PT evaluation, about the sensory diet that we've tried at home, and so forth but apparently there is a breakdown and lack of understanding on how this all plays together.

So Mama Bear marches off to growl and growl loudly.  What every parent should be asking when they hear comments like this is this "What exactly is your concern with my child?  What is the concern you have about my child that you have yet to identify or put words to and tell me about?"  After asking those questions words like "echolalia and perseverative" were said to describe my child.  The one who sings his responses to me, often using higher cognitive processes to use a line from a song to respond to me appropriately.  If anyone knows anything about early intervention they know this, echolalia and perseverative are buzz words to alert parents to the fact that your childcare giver thinks your child is on the ASD spectrum.  Still no real actual data collected or shown to me to show and/or validate their concern.  I asked, what has been done?  What didn't work?  I even brought in a weighted blanket for trial and after one day was told it didn't work there.  I offered suggestions on how I manage these behaviors which I believe they see, but often felt dismissed with a "we do a very good job of doing these things and it doesn't work for us".  So now the director tells me that she had to hire extra staff at nap time.  Is that really my problem?  I have a 2 year old who doesn't nap at home either but is required to take a rest break.  If he sleeps great, if not, he doesn't.  I asked if they could make an accommodation to have him sit in a quiet area of the room to look at books- no apparently lying down on a hard cot for a minimum of 30 minutes is a requirement.  Really, you say you won't hold a child down to keep them in their cots but yet you won't allow them to sit in a different area to read a book because he isn't yet in the preschool room?  What policy says this?  (I was given no answer on the policy number).  You essentially set yourself and my child up for failure because he doesn't fit the mold of a 2 year old who naps daily.  Let me also through in the mix here... my son lost interest in toilet training.  He was wearing underware and staying dry at home on the weekends (he did this for two weekends straight), these efforts were not carried over because at home we took one leg out of his pants so that when he toileted he didn't get it on his clothes or the floor.  Apparently, there is no time for that at childcare.  However there is time to change a diaper, wipe up a pee mess on the floor, and change wet pants from peeing on them because he couldn't get situated properly.  Because his gross motor skills are challenging for him and he couldn't do it on his own, even though he understands toileting he lost interest and I firmly believe it is from lack of carryover.  Getting back to the cot- Why would he want to lie down when it is uncomfortable for him when his ears are a constant point of discomfort?

What am I really getting at, communication.  I know all of the things they reported to me because they happen at home.  The behaviors they identify are communication of an unmet need.  At home they are mitigated successfully, and he is set up for success.  Getting back to the evaluation request... no my son is not echolalic nor is he perseverative, nor is he on the ASD spectrum.  He is a 2 year old with delayed gross motor skills with a high sensory need compounded by medical challenges with his ears which a system of balance, that is attempting to communicate that but isn't being heard by those who were educated to hear those things.  He will never fit the mold of a typical child whose interests are squashed and he submits to the classrooms ideals of always following the rules.  I have known for a while now that he will never be the easy child for a teacher who desires conformity and easyiness.  He will be his own individual.

This by the way is what he is good at.  He has a great ability to carry a tune.  He has an intense love of music.  He is highly imaginative with his play.  His language skills are phenomenal and not because his mom is a speech pathologist but because God gifted him with language talents.  He loves humor and uses it in a highly cognitive way.  He loves animals.  He loves the outdoors and loves exploring new things.  He loves his mom and sleeping in on the weekend mornings.  He loves fedora hats. He loves bacon and gives the greatest belly laugh of Oh ho ho when he learns dad has made him bacon with his breakfast.  He is highly creative and imaginative with his play.  In spite of coordination challenges he will climb and enjoys doing so.  He loves having hours by himself to sit and read and to just be alone.  He gives the best hugs and says the sweetest things like "I just love my mommy"! And that right there is why Mama bears growl and then return to the den to cry.