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| This was our day... well this and about 10 outfit changes until I just took your clothes off you |
The last three weeks have been nothing short of challenging. It all started out with a fever, progressed to RSV with bronchitis, coughing so hard you were puking, missing over a week of child care, starting nebulizers, to settling down a little, only to start antibiotics because it was possible you had a sinus infection which couldn't be detected because your tonsils are nearly occluded and bright red. At the tail end of this I ended up having oral surgery to remove hardware from a surgery that I had 20 years ago, because a NP refused to treat a sinus infection (which was courtesy of caring for a sick child) which subsequently infected the said hardware. Just as we were having a few days in which your true personality was showing up again and I believed you were feeling better and I myself was starting to feel normal...you puked at daycare.
I went to pick you up thinking it might have only been that you were coughing too hard again. Only to have you looking pale and quite limp when I got there. You puked again on our way home in the car all over your jacket and blanket. I was able to get you to sleep for two hours and give you Pedialyte once you got up. You appeared fine for about 1.5 hours before the continuous puking started. Over twenty times in two hours. Finally after speaking with your pediatrician about your noodle like body, dried lips, body wrenching vomits which only produced mucus and bile, were we able to get a prescription for Zofran. I'm currently in the stages of praying that it works and we do not have to take the second step of bringing you in to the ER for an IV.
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| Seeing you like this is one of the most heart wrenching things |
So, now that all of this is written what I most want you to know and others is; again your amazing personality throughout this. During the RSV stage and coughing until you puke, and again puking with this stomach bug, you get upset whimper and then say, "I sorry mama". This breaks the pieces of my heart into sand sized pieces and I wonder if I'll ever have my heart back together. Never once have you been yelled at or scolded for being sick but yet somehow you have decided (I know not where you learned it) to apologize for being sick. It is these times that I hold you closer and tighter and hope that you understand that my love for you is so great that it is at times physically painful.
During these last three weeks you continue to wake up every morning talking about "lions" your current high interest item. Today in the midst of puking you were able to find humor in a ladybug falling off of a shoe in a nursery rhyme you were watching. When you just needed a snuggle today from being exhausted from puking you would say, "mama huggies" and snuggle into my chest and look up at me as if I were the best thing that happened to you today. And again my heart breaks because many moms just like me feel that they are not quite enough. We are enough and I keep reminding myself that but you kiddos have a way of humbling us to the core.
9:25 p.m. As I rocked you to sleep after a major poop blowout in the tub and all over the bathroom floor you again looked up at me and said, "I sorry mama" and my heart broke again. I love you little man, I love you. I hope and pray that in 10 days when your little brother enters this world our home is healthy again. Then we can focus on teaching you what it's like to be a brother but still mama's little man!
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