Mama Bears growl, then return to their dens to cry

This post is merely for processing sake.

Over the past week to two weeks I had been getting daily "negative Nelly" notes from childcare about my two year old.  Their concern is valid.  Their approach is way off base (ok in my mind it is).  And before I even write my processing you must know, I very much appreciate the childcare workers.

Let's just start with some history.  He had torticollis as an infant which I thought had been correct via chiropractic visits.  Come to find out it affect much more than a head tilt.  He has difficulty crossing midline, he W sits, it took him longer than his peers to jump with two feet off the ground, he just learned to walk stairs, his running pattern is that of a younger child because his balance and coordination are off.  Included in all of this his feet pronate.  So this is a child who braces and stabilizes himself by holding onto an object, a person, a wall anything that can help stabilize him when he's engaged in gross motor activities.  Guess what happens when one of his peers is moving around close to him and he loses balance?  Yep, you guessed it... he reaches out which could look like a hit or could look like a grab.  His purpose is not ill intended.

Second part of this history, My two year old was born via c section.  C section babies empirically have a higher rate and incidence of sensory processing challenges.  And yes, my son does have sensory challenges.  He loves crashing, he loves feeling water, milk, and type of liquid pouring over his body, he is an oral sensory seeker so he chews on many things.  So add this in the mix, a two year old who has poor balance with a need for deep pressure... he learns that crashing into things regardless of what they are provides him with input that his little body needs, or hitting things with his hands will give him input through his arms.  Now are there times that 'hitting' is typically 2 year old behavior?  Of course I've seen it at home.  The majority of times the hitting is a communication of an unmet need.

Now thirdly add into this mix, the same 2 year old who has had ear surgery, has current ear issues (including likely needing additional ear surgeries).  A 2 year old who experience discomfort in lying down on harder surfaces because of his ears.  Inner ear difficulties that likely contribute to gross motor coordination and balance.

And fourthly, take into consideration a 2 year old who is able to come home and tell his mom he was asked to sit in his cubby for what I assume was a time out.  A 2 year old who starts his day singing and ends his day singing.  A 2 year old whose interest is that of playing the violin.  A 2 year old who is persistent and has determination and grit.  A 2 year old who has language skills that are higher than his age and gets higher expectations for behaviors even though socially emotionally, he is just that; a 2 year old.

So now for the story, after calling my husband in tears nearly every day this week after drop off because of the comments "he's been hitting", "I gave him a chewy to save my toys" "He won't take a nap" I was already getting worn down of hearing what my son didn't do well with.  Then I got a strong email this afternoon suggesting that my son needs additional evaluation.  No further explanation other than his behavior of hitting.  No indication was made in the small comments in the mornings that these behaviors were at the intensity level which was indicated in the email.  No data collection until that morning.  No offers of explanation of what had been tried at school and what wasn't working, just that your son needs an evaluation. I've offered information about having a PT evaluation, about the sensory diet that we've tried at home, and so forth but apparently there is a breakdown and lack of understanding on how this all plays together.

So Mama Bear marches off to growl and growl loudly.  What every parent should be asking when they hear comments like this is this "What exactly is your concern with my child?  What is the concern you have about my child that you have yet to identify or put words to and tell me about?"  After asking those questions words like "echolalia and perseverative" were said to describe my child.  The one who sings his responses to me, often using higher cognitive processes to use a line from a song to respond to me appropriately.  If anyone knows anything about early intervention they know this, echolalia and perseverative are buzz words to alert parents to the fact that your childcare giver thinks your child is on the ASD spectrum.  Still no real actual data collected or shown to me to show and/or validate their concern.  I asked, what has been done?  What didn't work?  I even brought in a weighted blanket for trial and after one day was told it didn't work there.  I offered suggestions on how I manage these behaviors which I believe they see, but often felt dismissed with a "we do a very good job of doing these things and it doesn't work for us".  So now the director tells me that she had to hire extra staff at nap time.  Is that really my problem?  I have a 2 year old who doesn't nap at home either but is required to take a rest break.  If he sleeps great, if not, he doesn't.  I asked if they could make an accommodation to have him sit in a quiet area of the room to look at books- no apparently lying down on a hard cot for a minimum of 30 minutes is a requirement.  Really, you say you won't hold a child down to keep them in their cots but yet you won't allow them to sit in a different area to read a book because he isn't yet in the preschool room?  What policy says this?  (I was given no answer on the policy number).  You essentially set yourself and my child up for failure because he doesn't fit the mold of a 2 year old who naps daily.  Let me also through in the mix here... my son lost interest in toilet training.  He was wearing underware and staying dry at home on the weekends (he did this for two weekends straight), these efforts were not carried over because at home we took one leg out of his pants so that when he toileted he didn't get it on his clothes or the floor.  Apparently, there is no time for that at childcare.  However there is time to change a diaper, wipe up a pee mess on the floor, and change wet pants from peeing on them because he couldn't get situated properly.  Because his gross motor skills are challenging for him and he couldn't do it on his own, even though he understands toileting he lost interest and I firmly believe it is from lack of carryover.  Getting back to the cot- Why would he want to lie down when it is uncomfortable for him when his ears are a constant point of discomfort?

What am I really getting at, communication.  I know all of the things they reported to me because they happen at home.  The behaviors they identify are communication of an unmet need.  At home they are mitigated successfully, and he is set up for success.  Getting back to the evaluation request... no my son is not echolalic nor is he perseverative, nor is he on the ASD spectrum.  He is a 2 year old with delayed gross motor skills with a high sensory need compounded by medical challenges with his ears which a system of balance, that is attempting to communicate that but isn't being heard by those who were educated to hear those things.  He will never fit the mold of a typical child whose interests are squashed and he submits to the classrooms ideals of always following the rules.  I have known for a while now that he will never be the easy child for a teacher who desires conformity and easyiness.  He will be his own individual.

This by the way is what he is good at.  He has a great ability to carry a tune.  He has an intense love of music.  He is highly imaginative with his play.  His language skills are phenomenal and not because his mom is a speech pathologist but because God gifted him with language talents.  He loves humor and uses it in a highly cognitive way.  He loves animals.  He loves the outdoors and loves exploring new things.  He loves his mom and sleeping in on the weekend mornings.  He loves fedora hats. He loves bacon and gives the greatest belly laugh of Oh ho ho when he learns dad has made him bacon with his breakfast.  He is highly creative and imaginative with his play.  In spite of coordination challenges he will climb and enjoys doing so.  He loves having hours by himself to sit and read and to just be alone.  He gives the best hugs and says the sweetest things like "I just love my mommy"! And that right there is why Mama bears growl and then return to the den to cry.

This is my life {Mom-hood}

There are some days where mom-hood or mom-dom feels so exhausting.  I'm trying my best to be the best mother for my two boys.  I get short sometimes, I get upset sometimes, I get irritable sometimes and when things slows down at the end of the day I feel horrible for feeling those feels. 

Cognitively I know I'm doing the best I can; emotionally I sometimes beat myself up. 

Daven my two year old has a strong strong will and personality.  His language skills are beyond that of typical developing 2 year 2 month olds; however, social emotionally he is right where he should be.  I find that I constantly have to remind myself that even if he talks like a nearly three year old he still needs me to emotionally match him where he's at.  What this means for bedtime is that he needs me to show him how to calm his body down, offer to lay with him until he falls asleep and for me to keep my patiences with him when his world is falling apart.  At his age the world falls apart over the fact that his five month old brother touched his shoulder, or that dad walked out of the room too quickly for him to process that he'd be alone reading a book for a minute while he went to the bathroom, or when mom didn't allow him to "come with you" when she walked into the other room even though he could still see me.  I get really tired somedays balancing and reminding myself of his different skill levels in different areas.

Henry on the other had is a typical five month old who loves to watch his brother play.  Loves to be snuggles by mom and is starting to enjoy playing in an exersaucer exploring all new types of activities.  He is laid back and easy going until... he is hungry and when he just wants to go to sleep.

Sometimes their needs clash and I'm unable to fulfill their needs at the same time.  Tonight was one such night.  I decided the best course of action to fulfill my need as a mother (yes my husband is very willing to help and does however we do things differently and somedays I feel the need for them to be done my way which means I do it) tonight was to try to put both of them to sleep at the same time.  After a few different attempts I managed to do so.  This is the result

This is mom-hood

Yes, there is a toddler bed there.  No, Daven won't sleep in it.  He decided a few weeks ago that he's sleeping on the floor.  No matter how many times I put him and all his blankets and pillow back in the bed, he brings them all out again and settles himself on the floor.  Henry nurses at night while lying down next to me; he had just finished a feeding.  This is us... this is the unglamorous side of mom-hood.  Undone hair, flabby post baby belly, baggy shorts, and a nursing tank.... and at this moment in my life- I wouldn't trade it for the world.  This my friends is my golden hour.

Side note: my photo challenge this week was to shoot during golden hour and that is how this post came about... no the photo itself technically is not shot as the golden hour but figuratively speaking... it is my Golden Hour.

Here are a few photos from this week of my little loves during the golden hour... my older bigger love doesn't like me to photograph him...

Dear Daven {February 6, 2018}

You are lying there sleeping on the couch, covered in a towel.  Underneath you have pajama bottoms on which have hiked up to your knees, no top, and socks; you haven't peed since 6 a.m. this morning.  I'm sitting across the room watching you and my heart breaks into a million pieces. 

This was our day... well this and about 10 outfit changes until I just took your clothes off you

The last three weeks have been nothing short of challenging.  It all started out with a fever, progressed to RSV with bronchitis, coughing so hard you were puking, missing over a week of child care, starting nebulizers, to settling down a little, only to start antibiotics because it was possible you had a sinus infection which couldn't be detected because your tonsils are nearly occluded and bright red.  At the tail end of this I ended up having oral surgery to remove hardware from a surgery that I had 20 years ago, because a NP refused to treat a sinus infection (which was courtesy of caring for a sick child) which subsequently infected the said hardware.  Just as we were having a few days in which your true personality was showing up again and I believed you were feeling better and I myself was starting to feel normal...you puked at daycare.

I went to pick you up thinking it might have only been that you were coughing too hard again.  Only to have you looking pale and quite limp when I got there.  You puked again on our way home in the car all over your jacket and blanket.  I was able to get you to sleep for two hours and give you Pedialyte once you got up.  You appeared fine for about 1.5 hours before the continuous puking started.  Over twenty times in two hours.  Finally after speaking with your pediatrician about your noodle like body, dried lips, body wrenching vomits which only produced mucus and bile, were we able to get a prescription for Zofran.  I'm currently in the stages of praying that it works and we do not have to take the second step of bringing you in to the ER for an IV. 

Seeing you like this is one of the most heart wrenching things

So, now that all of this is written what I most want you to know and others is; again your amazing personality throughout this.  During the RSV stage and coughing until you puke, and again puking with this stomach bug, you get upset whimper and then say, "I sorry mama".  This breaks the pieces of my heart into sand sized pieces and I wonder if I'll ever have my heart back together.  Never once have you been yelled at or scolded for being sick but yet somehow you have decided (I know not where you learned it) to apologize for being sick.  It is these times that I hold you closer and tighter and hope that you understand that my love for you is so great that it is at times physically painful. 

During these last three weeks you continue to wake up every morning talking about "lions" your current high interest item.  Today in the midst of puking you were able to find humor in a ladybug falling off of a shoe in a nursery rhyme you were watching.  When you just needed a snuggle today from being exhausted from puking you would say, "mama huggies" and snuggle into my chest and look up at me as if I were the best thing that happened to you today.  And again my heart breaks because many moms just like me feel that they are not quite enough.  We are enough and I keep reminding myself that but you kiddos have a way of humbling us to the core.

9:25 p.m.  As I rocked you to sleep after a major poop blowout in the tub and all over the bathroom floor you again looked up at me and said, "I sorry mama" and my heart broke again.  I love you little man, I love you.  I hope and pray that in 10 days when your little brother enters this world our home is healthy again.  Then we can focus on teaching you what it's like to be a brother but still mama's little man!