I'm here to save the world

 Last year around this same time I sat in my office and cried... I desperately needed and wanted my staff to have access to the COVID vaccination in round one.  I fought, I made my voice heard, my team got vaccinated.  As soon as orders were placed over 90% of my team was in within a few hours getting their first round of COVID vaccinations.  My heart overflowed with joy and hope.

It's fair to say I support vaccinations for COVID.

Fast forward to this year.  The COVID vaccination was approved for emergency use authorization for the 5-12 year olds.  This brought on a whole new set of emotions.  I cannot really put a finger on what made me hesitant to make an appointment for my 5 year old to be vaccinated, but the hesitancy and fear were real.  I spent many hours reading on pros and cons.  I went to work everyday knowing I felt safer because I was vaccinated.  I see and hear the outcomes of those unvaccinated in our ICUs compared to the outcomes of those vaccinated and hospitalized.  I know the value of vaccinations and yet I was hesitant.

You see my 5 year old is neurodivergent.  He has asthma.  He has ADHA.  He has sensory processing disorder.  He has anxiety.  And despite his age he continues to get croup so severe it's ended him in the ED multiple times this past year.  I know that should he get COVID it is a 50/50 chance that it could be mild or severe.  Still I was hesitant.  My mind swirled with the "what ifs" in spite of the cognitive knowledge I have that should he end up infected his outcomes would be better if he were vaccinated.... and still I hesitated.

I made an appointment for his first vaccination only to cancel it a few miles from the appointment, because I didn't feel ready.  I continued to read and I continued to ponder. Ultimately, knowing that my team of PTs and OTs who is part of a proning team in the ICUs is now helping with pediatric patients proning. This ultimately is life saving efforts. I don't want to be on that end.  I still wonder the long term effects.  I still wonder if he would have made the same decision for himself as an adult.  Fact is I am trusting what data we have and making the best decision possible at this moment.

My reason for writing tonight is not to change anyones mind but rather to shed light that it's not an easy decision to make.  It's ok to know the positive impact vaccinations can have and still be hesitant when considering our littlest humans.  It's ok to have conflicting knowledge and emotions.  It happens in life everyday, it just felt magnified when considering little ones.  It's ok.

Today he received his first vaccination and he told the nurse... "I'm here to save the world."

when the world closes in on you

 

We arrived home today and my newly five year old was spent.  He requested to have iPad time which I obliged him with knowing that it would provide him with an opportunity to decompress, something we all need and as adults may not do as often as we should.  After a few minutes I became a little concerned that 1) I didn't hear the iPad playing, and 2) I was not able to visually see where he was.  Not likely a big concern for most parents of 5 years old but for me it is.  You see, my 5 year old has ADHD, sensory processing deficits, and anxiety and has a strong sense of independence and an "I can do it by myself" attitude.  He has on occasion helped himself to attempting to 'take a walk on his own' or 'practice scootering' for a race he's imagined in his mind around the neighborhood.

A little panicked I called him name only to hear a small little voice call out, "I'm in here, in this box."

I knew at that moment tonight would be a night of calming, providing him with as much love as he needed because the outside world and all of it chaos closed in on his sensory system a little too much today.  He needed his small space, he needed time alone, and he needed a safe place to do that in.

I haven't blogged or written much in a very long time and mostly because I am still processing many feelings, thoughts, and internal challenges with being a parent to a small human who seems to need way more than my expertise and years of experiences working with pediatrics can provide.  It's completely different with your own child than one you work with in therapy.

As I reflect this evening on how I can best parent him I am also left pondering my days work and the recent past few months and parenting in general and can totally relate to wanting to be in a box, alone, with a comforting item and a safe place to just be.  I thought about how the small pink bracelet he is wearing in this photo left me with hours of worry and wishing and hoping that none of his peers would tease him for wanting to wear a pink unicorn bracelet just like his best friend, who happens to be a girl.  The same girl, he stood up for when she was bullied by other peers, albeit not in the most appropriate fashion but in a logical 5 year old fashion.  I reflect on how at his young age as his parent I have already experienced the 'looks' from other parents when his strong demands come out or when he's adamant that things go his way.  I then reflect back on how things gets squished out sideways at work when change is happening and it isn't what the team hoped for or would ask for.  I reflect and see there are some parallels.  I know I am hard on myself and look for grace from other parents, my team and family and friends because I as a human in both positions of being a parent and leader for a group; too often fail.  On those days such as today when both work and personal life the world seems to want to crash in on us, I too need a box or at least a safe place to share.

It was one of those nights that you wonder, who else is in Holland with me because I find that while I don't ask often I am in need of support from my fellow Holland parents.  I know I can't be the only one on an island balancing work and life.

*Holland reference is in regards to the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

My son will never be a gymnast

This is a challenging blog to write.  There are so many directions this post could go in.  For now I'll try to narrow it to one factor that as of late has been a huge blessing in our lives.

Daven my oldest encounters daily challenges with gross motor planning, fine motor planning, vestibular challenges (balance), gravitational insecurity, visual perceptual challenges, and sensory processing challenges.  In addition to these challenges he has challenges with inner ear difficulties.  What does all of this mean to a lay person?  It looks like this in daily life:

Your child falls down the steps for no apparent reason.  Your child runs into the corner of walls seemingly unaware as he is running because his brain didn't process quick enough that there was a wall there.  Your child falls and trips over nothing, or just happens to fall down.  Your child is unable to put his arms up quick enough when you throw a ball to him because he couldn't process quick enough that a ball was moving towards him hitting smack in the middle of his chest.  Your child avoids fine motor tasks such as using crayons and scissors.  He seems to be overly sensitive to movement; for example not liking to be thrown up into the air which most children love.  He on the other hand holds tight and wants to enjoy it but outwardly appears quite afraid.  Your child has a difficult time in crowded environments; especially those with high ceilings and/or lots of noise, people, and movement.  Your child has a hard time looking at you because the moment he does he loses his balance especially if the expectation is to have eye contact during movement activities.  Your child has a flight response to being over stimulated so safety is a concern.  Your child fatigues easily in comparison to peers his age.  He is an adorably messy eater.  And never really wants his feet or body to leave a stable place (i.e. the ground/floor).

There isn't anything more painful as a parent than to be watch your child encounter challenges they yet do not know are challenges.  While he has the earlier mentioned challenges he does not have a specific diagnosis nor do I believe it is imperative or necessary to have an actual diagnosis at this point in his life.  What is important is that when as parents we see things that just do not fit we investigate and provide the best opportunities we can with the information we have at the moment.  One of these opportunities came to me through a suggestion to have Daven participate in gymnastics.  As I thought about it, it made more and more sense.  It was a safe place for him to practice gross motor skills without getting hurt.  From day one to today Daven has made huge improvements in his motor skills which have incidentally impacted his language skills and social interaction skills.  I am ever so thankful for The Gymnastic Academy of Duluth MN for working with me as a parent knowing what challenges Daven has and having an inclusive culture.

Daven's first gymnastics session is what I'd describe as a hopeful disaster.  He hard a hard time with many other children in the class in a new surrounding and not knowing what the expectations were.  Let alone never wanting to have his feet leave the ground, be upside down, jump without falling flat on his face and/or knees, be in areas where he couldn't tell where thing started and ended (i.e. going down a slide). 

Here are a few photos from today's session:

He willingly puts himself in the "handstand" position, on his own.  Thanks to his teacher at TGA!

"Cheese, mom". Able to climb structures without much support

He's willing to put his head down and bear walk which previously would have ended in a fall and/or anxiety about trying.

Seems like a small win... however being on his stomach off of the floor would not have happened previously.

Completely in air.  His first few attempts at this box jump resulted in many a face plants and/or landing hard on his knees.  The first time he successfully completed a box jump you could see the pride in himself; he went back over and over again completing the jump over and over.

Still working on the core and being able to swing without falling and/or letting go of the bar.

Here's what I know.  Having Daven start gymnastics has improved his gross motor skills and his ability to process and motor plan new motor skills.  It has also helped increase his self confidence in himself which is a blessing in and of itself.  Incidentally if you know about brain workings one would make the assumption that other areas would improve secondarily and they have!  A special call out to his teacher at The Gymnastics Academy of Duluth whom I'll not name (as I didn't ask her permission to share) for having the patience and interest in working with Daven. Additionally, to Becky and the rest of the staff at TGA!  I am forever grateful for this opportunity and look forward to more improvements. 

Daven will never be a gymnast.  I do however love that he is engaged and excited about trying and participating.  He often asks, "Is it a gymnastics day?" 

Mama Bears growl, then return to their dens to cry

This post is merely for processing sake.

Over the past week to two weeks I had been getting daily "negative Nelly" notes from childcare about my two year old.  Their concern is valid.  Their approach is way off base (ok in my mind it is).  And before I even write my processing you must know, I very much appreciate the childcare workers.

Let's just start with some history.  He had torticollis as an infant which I thought had been correct via chiropractic visits.  Come to find out it affect much more than a head tilt.  He has difficulty crossing midline, he W sits, it took him longer than his peers to jump with two feet off the ground, he just learned to walk stairs, his running pattern is that of a younger child because his balance and coordination are off.  Included in all of this his feet pronate.  So this is a child who braces and stabilizes himself by holding onto an object, a person, a wall anything that can help stabilize him when he's engaged in gross motor activities.  Guess what happens when one of his peers is moving around close to him and he loses balance?  Yep, you guessed it... he reaches out which could look like a hit or could look like a grab.  His purpose is not ill intended.

Second part of this history, My two year old was born via c section.  C section babies empirically have a higher rate and incidence of sensory processing challenges.  And yes, my son does have sensory challenges.  He loves crashing, he loves feeling water, milk, and type of liquid pouring over his body, he is an oral sensory seeker so he chews on many things.  So add this in the mix, a two year old who has poor balance with a need for deep pressure... he learns that crashing into things regardless of what they are provides him with input that his little body needs, or hitting things with his hands will give him input through his arms.  Now are there times that 'hitting' is typically 2 year old behavior?  Of course I've seen it at home.  The majority of times the hitting is a communication of an unmet need.

Now thirdly add into this mix, the same 2 year old who has had ear surgery, has current ear issues (including likely needing additional ear surgeries).  A 2 year old who experience discomfort in lying down on harder surfaces because of his ears.  Inner ear difficulties that likely contribute to gross motor coordination and balance.

And fourthly, take into consideration a 2 year old who is able to come home and tell his mom he was asked to sit in his cubby for what I assume was a time out.  A 2 year old who starts his day singing and ends his day singing.  A 2 year old whose interest is that of playing the violin.  A 2 year old who is persistent and has determination and grit.  A 2 year old who has language skills that are higher than his age and gets higher expectations for behaviors even though socially emotionally, he is just that; a 2 year old.

So now for the story, after calling my husband in tears nearly every day this week after drop off because of the comments "he's been hitting", "I gave him a chewy to save my toys" "He won't take a nap" I was already getting worn down of hearing what my son didn't do well with.  Then I got a strong email this afternoon suggesting that my son needs additional evaluation.  No further explanation other than his behavior of hitting.  No indication was made in the small comments in the mornings that these behaviors were at the intensity level which was indicated in the email.  No data collection until that morning.  No offers of explanation of what had been tried at school and what wasn't working, just that your son needs an evaluation. I've offered information about having a PT evaluation, about the sensory diet that we've tried at home, and so forth but apparently there is a breakdown and lack of understanding on how this all plays together.

So Mama Bear marches off to growl and growl loudly.  What every parent should be asking when they hear comments like this is this "What exactly is your concern with my child?  What is the concern you have about my child that you have yet to identify or put words to and tell me about?"  After asking those questions words like "echolalia and perseverative" were said to describe my child.  The one who sings his responses to me, often using higher cognitive processes to use a line from a song to respond to me appropriately.  If anyone knows anything about early intervention they know this, echolalia and perseverative are buzz words to alert parents to the fact that your childcare giver thinks your child is on the ASD spectrum.  Still no real actual data collected or shown to me to show and/or validate their concern.  I asked, what has been done?  What didn't work?  I even brought in a weighted blanket for trial and after one day was told it didn't work there.  I offered suggestions on how I manage these behaviors which I believe they see, but often felt dismissed with a "we do a very good job of doing these things and it doesn't work for us".  So now the director tells me that she had to hire extra staff at nap time.  Is that really my problem?  I have a 2 year old who doesn't nap at home either but is required to take a rest break.  If he sleeps great, if not, he doesn't.  I asked if they could make an accommodation to have him sit in a quiet area of the room to look at books- no apparently lying down on a hard cot for a minimum of 30 minutes is a requirement.  Really, you say you won't hold a child down to keep them in their cots but yet you won't allow them to sit in a different area to read a book because he isn't yet in the preschool room?  What policy says this?  (I was given no answer on the policy number).  You essentially set yourself and my child up for failure because he doesn't fit the mold of a 2 year old who naps daily.  Let me also through in the mix here... my son lost interest in toilet training.  He was wearing underware and staying dry at home on the weekends (he did this for two weekends straight), these efforts were not carried over because at home we took one leg out of his pants so that when he toileted he didn't get it on his clothes or the floor.  Apparently, there is no time for that at childcare.  However there is time to change a diaper, wipe up a pee mess on the floor, and change wet pants from peeing on them because he couldn't get situated properly.  Because his gross motor skills are challenging for him and he couldn't do it on his own, even though he understands toileting he lost interest and I firmly believe it is from lack of carryover.  Getting back to the cot- Why would he want to lie down when it is uncomfortable for him when his ears are a constant point of discomfort?

What am I really getting at, communication.  I know all of the things they reported to me because they happen at home.  The behaviors they identify are communication of an unmet need.  At home they are mitigated successfully, and he is set up for success.  Getting back to the evaluation request... no my son is not echolalic nor is he perseverative, nor is he on the ASD spectrum.  He is a 2 year old with delayed gross motor skills with a high sensory need compounded by medical challenges with his ears which a system of balance, that is attempting to communicate that but isn't being heard by those who were educated to hear those things.  He will never fit the mold of a typical child whose interests are squashed and he submits to the classrooms ideals of always following the rules.  I have known for a while now that he will never be the easy child for a teacher who desires conformity and easyiness.  He will be his own individual.

This by the way is what he is good at.  He has a great ability to carry a tune.  He has an intense love of music.  He is highly imaginative with his play.  His language skills are phenomenal and not because his mom is a speech pathologist but because God gifted him with language talents.  He loves humor and uses it in a highly cognitive way.  He loves animals.  He loves the outdoors and loves exploring new things.  He loves his mom and sleeping in on the weekend mornings.  He loves fedora hats. He loves bacon and gives the greatest belly laugh of Oh ho ho when he learns dad has made him bacon with his breakfast.  He is highly creative and imaginative with his play.  In spite of coordination challenges he will climb and enjoys doing so.  He loves having hours by himself to sit and read and to just be alone.  He gives the best hugs and says the sweetest things like "I just love my mommy"! And that right there is why Mama bears growl and then return to the den to cry.

This is my life {Mom-hood}

There are some days where mom-hood or mom-dom feels so exhausting.  I'm trying my best to be the best mother for my two boys.  I get short sometimes, I get upset sometimes, I get irritable sometimes and when things slows down at the end of the day I feel horrible for feeling those feels. 

Cognitively I know I'm doing the best I can; emotionally I sometimes beat myself up. 

Daven my two year old has a strong strong will and personality.  His language skills are beyond that of typical developing 2 year 2 month olds; however, social emotionally he is right where he should be.  I find that I constantly have to remind myself that even if he talks like a nearly three year old he still needs me to emotionally match him where he's at.  What this means for bedtime is that he needs me to show him how to calm his body down, offer to lay with him until he falls asleep and for me to keep my patiences with him when his world is falling apart.  At his age the world falls apart over the fact that his five month old brother touched his shoulder, or that dad walked out of the room too quickly for him to process that he'd be alone reading a book for a minute while he went to the bathroom, or when mom didn't allow him to "come with you" when she walked into the other room even though he could still see me.  I get really tired somedays balancing and reminding myself of his different skill levels in different areas.

Henry on the other had is a typical five month old who loves to watch his brother play.  Loves to be snuggles by mom and is starting to enjoy playing in an exersaucer exploring all new types of activities.  He is laid back and easy going until... he is hungry and when he just wants to go to sleep.

Sometimes their needs clash and I'm unable to fulfill their needs at the same time.  Tonight was one such night.  I decided the best course of action to fulfill my need as a mother (yes my husband is very willing to help and does however we do things differently and somedays I feel the need for them to be done my way which means I do it) tonight was to try to put both of them to sleep at the same time.  After a few different attempts I managed to do so.  This is the result

This is mom-hood

Yes, there is a toddler bed there.  No, Daven won't sleep in it.  He decided a few weeks ago that he's sleeping on the floor.  No matter how many times I put him and all his blankets and pillow back in the bed, he brings them all out again and settles himself on the floor.  Henry nurses at night while lying down next to me; he had just finished a feeding.  This is us... this is the unglamorous side of mom-hood.  Undone hair, flabby post baby belly, baggy shorts, and a nursing tank.... and at this moment in my life- I wouldn't trade it for the world.  This my friends is my golden hour.

Side note: my photo challenge this week was to shoot during golden hour and that is how this post came about... no the photo itself technically is not shot as the golden hour but figuratively speaking... it is my Golden Hour.

Here are a few photos from this week of my little loves during the golden hour... my older bigger love doesn't like me to photograph him...

Dear Daven {February 6, 2018}

You are lying there sleeping on the couch, covered in a towel.  Underneath you have pajama bottoms on which have hiked up to your knees, no top, and socks; you haven't peed since 6 a.m. this morning.  I'm sitting across the room watching you and my heart breaks into a million pieces. 

This was our day... well this and about 10 outfit changes until I just took your clothes off you

The last three weeks have been nothing short of challenging.  It all started out with a fever, progressed to RSV with bronchitis, coughing so hard you were puking, missing over a week of child care, starting nebulizers, to settling down a little, only to start antibiotics because it was possible you had a sinus infection which couldn't be detected because your tonsils are nearly occluded and bright red.  At the tail end of this I ended up having oral surgery to remove hardware from a surgery that I had 20 years ago, because a NP refused to treat a sinus infection (which was courtesy of caring for a sick child) which subsequently infected the said hardware.  Just as we were having a few days in which your true personality was showing up again and I believed you were feeling better and I myself was starting to feel normal...you puked at daycare.

I went to pick you up thinking it might have only been that you were coughing too hard again.  Only to have you looking pale and quite limp when I got there.  You puked again on our way home in the car all over your jacket and blanket.  I was able to get you to sleep for two hours and give you Pedialyte once you got up.  You appeared fine for about 1.5 hours before the continuous puking started.  Over twenty times in two hours.  Finally after speaking with your pediatrician about your noodle like body, dried lips, body wrenching vomits which only produced mucus and bile, were we able to get a prescription for Zofran.  I'm currently in the stages of praying that it works and we do not have to take the second step of bringing you in to the ER for an IV. 

Seeing you like this is one of the most heart wrenching things

So, now that all of this is written what I most want you to know and others is; again your amazing personality throughout this.  During the RSV stage and coughing until you puke, and again puking with this stomach bug, you get upset whimper and then say, "I sorry mama".  This breaks the pieces of my heart into sand sized pieces and I wonder if I'll ever have my heart back together.  Never once have you been yelled at or scolded for being sick but yet somehow you have decided (I know not where you learned it) to apologize for being sick.  It is these times that I hold you closer and tighter and hope that you understand that my love for you is so great that it is at times physically painful. 

During these last three weeks you continue to wake up every morning talking about "lions" your current high interest item.  Today in the midst of puking you were able to find humor in a ladybug falling off of a shoe in a nursery rhyme you were watching.  When you just needed a snuggle today from being exhausted from puking you would say, "mama huggies" and snuggle into my chest and look up at me as if I were the best thing that happened to you today.  And again my heart breaks because many moms just like me feel that they are not quite enough.  We are enough and I keep reminding myself that but you kiddos have a way of humbling us to the core.

9:25 p.m.  As I rocked you to sleep after a major poop blowout in the tub and all over the bathroom floor you again looked up at me and said, "I sorry mama" and my heart broke again.  I love you little man, I love you.  I hope and pray that in 10 days when your little brother enters this world our home is healthy again.  Then we can focus on teaching you what it's like to be a brother but still mama's little man!

Dear Daven {October 30, 2017}

Dear Daven-

Over the past month you have transitioned from the infant room to the toddler room at your place of child care.  You are not too happy about this change.

Today you asked me for toast.  I made the toast you gave your enthusiastic reply of "Oh ho ho" and promptly bit into the toast.  Then promptly gave it back to me and requested "mama orange juice".  I tried to convince you that there wasn't orange juice as I wasn't sure you really wanted it; however, you went over to the fridge opened the door and repeated "mama orange juice".  You drank down what was left in an open cup, not a drop was spilled.  I asked you if you wanted the rest of your toast to which you replied, "no toast mama".

After playing for a few more minute you stated from your play, "Mama potty" to which we went upstairs and you went.

You've been using the toilet successfully for your morning business for the past 5-6 weeks.  There has only been two incidences of not making it to the toilet quick enough after you wake up.  There have been multiple occasions on the weekends or evenings when you have stated your need to use the toilet and much to my surprise you have gone!

You've taken to yelling out, "Robert" when you want attention.  Robert is your dad, so this request for attention from him is usually followed up by "that is your dad you can say 'dada'"!

Every morning after using the toilet you get a fresh diaper on and we go downstairs to get dressed for the day.  This process of going down the steps involves you yelling for "Nadia, Nadia" to get her to come downstairs with you so you can let her outside to go potty.  The two of you have developed a fun routine of teasing each other which usually results with you giving the most genuine belly laugh, unless you've pulled her tail or hair too hard.  This certainly is a wonderful way to start my day.  One way of teasing Nadia is to take her tail and wave it back and forth while saying "wag wag" then laughing.  She isn't a huge fan of it but is starting to tolerate it as you've quit pulled her tail as often as you once did.

One evening after our usual routine of evening prayers and forgiveness I was rocking you and you were having a hard time calming your body down.  In my frustration I stated, "Daven you need to calm your body down", to which you demanded "WHAT!?"

You have a very strong and independent mind.  You prefer not to be interrupted when you are enjoying yourself playing.  If you decide you are going to do something even if it is not appropriate you will often still do it quicker than I can stop you and you usually follow it up by telling yourself "no-no".

You've tasted dog food a handful of times.

You still ask for your Papa Walter every day.  I can only imagine you have conversations in your head with him as one evening in the past month as I was rocking you to sleep you were saying "Papa  octopus, Kiki, Papa, octopus, Kiki"  Kiki being the over sized stuffed gorilla in your classroom named Kenny.  I can only imagine what the three of you were up to.  When we facetime Papa often you want to see him, won't say much, but the moment we hang up we have a hundred things to say to Papa.  The other day you sat in your car seat as I was driving and repeatedly say "Thank you Papa, Thank you Papa" I can only imagine what was going through your head.

You often say "thank you dada" to your dad when he gives you something you've asked for.  You name your Nana Alice's dog's "my-no" for Milo, and "daw dee" for Harley.  You have gotten more assertive with telling your dog Snowey to "move" out of your way.

You love to eat oatmeal for breakfast almost every morning.  You are labeling some shapes such as circle, oval, heart, and octagon.  You find the number two easy to use.  You have between 200-300 words- I quit counting as they were coming so quickly.

All of this and you are 3 days shy of being 18 months old.  I love you little dude,  I love you!

~Mama, Mommy, Mom

Dear Daven {June 25, 2017}

Dear Daven-

You are the bravest little boy I know.  Just today we were back in Urgent care because a fever you've struggled with since early Friday morning wouldn't go away.  Today we learned you have your fifth ear infection in 5 months, and that your tonsils which are normally too large are swollen are bright red, although you are without strep.  Friday we were at the ENTs office and learned you will have PE tubes placed on July 13, 2017.  And that possibly next summer you will need to have your tonsils out due to sleep apnea.  The amazing thing about you Daven, is this, in spite of having had recurring ear infections you remain pretty happy, considering.  When you get upset you settle with mom reading you books.  We've read Brown Bear Brown Bear about 500 times now, somedays even reading it upwards of 20 times repeatedly.  In spite of having recurring ear infections you continue to learn new words, albeit, they can be difficult to decipher; however, when your little hand raises and you point a tiny little finger at what you want it's easy to learn what your words are.  At the end of May you started putting two words together (you are only 12 months at this time) the first two phrases were "more milk" and "more bottle".

You have the greatest will, strong persistence, and amazing grit when you are trying to figure new things out.  You continue to do this even when you are not feeling well.  When you get upset with mom, you'll look at her and say "no no" and then quickly swipe her glasses from her face, or you'll quickly take a handful of hair and pull.

Mom has had many offers to help you via Essentia Oils, all of which I have not responded to.  Let me tell you why.  I am a mother of science.  Anatomically this is what has been happening.  Your adenoids when enlarged block off the eustachian tube.  The eustachian tube is what drains the fluid from your inner ear into your pharyngeal area.  When the adenoids block the eustachian tube the fluid just sits in your middle ear, festering until it can a) drain when the eustachian tube is clear/unblocked and/or b) you get an ear infection and your ear drum bursts or you get put on medication to clear it up.  No amount of oil I rub behind your ear or put into your ear is going to change your anatomical makeup.  Each to there own when it comes to oils.  There is a place for them just not in this situation.  They may smell nice if you diffuse them and that smell may help calm a person down.... if you are anxious.

Enough about that.  Daven, you make me a proud Speech Pathologist momma every day.  You follow simple directions, you answer some yes/no questions even if you shouldn't, and your vocabulary growth is constantly amazing me.  Your most recent words have been clock and sky.  I love you to the non planet planet Pluto and beyond and back again.

Today you tried your very first popsicle.  Some people think you look like Papa Walt, some think you look like your da-dads, and I think you look a little like your cousin Emmett.

Dear Daven {May 2, 2017}

Dear Daven-

It's your first birthday today.  You have successfully made your first trip around the sun.

It's difficult to comprehend during the first few months of life, how many changes will happen in the first year.  So perhaps it is best bullet pointed

• You rarely took a nap longer than 20 minutes the first few months of age
• Your physical strength has always been much higher than expected for your age
• You attempted to crawl over a tummy time pillow at 12 weeks of age.
• You army crawled (by choice) until 10 months of age at which time you decided you could crawl on all fours.
• You took your first few steps by just walking away from mom one day when you were feeling sick.
• You have the best grin and belly laugh.
• You find the dogs sneezes hysterical.
• You are a hearty eater.  You'll eat most anything besides raspberries.  You loved spaghetti until yesterday.  
• Your favorite breakfast is Ritz crackers.  You get all excited and start squealing and kicking your feet when I ask you if you want a cracker.
• You are most determined.  You'll pause when asked to stop; however, insist on continuing the activity that you choose to do.
• You love books.
• You have mastered the circle and square on the shape sorter about 1.5 months ago
• You love experimenting with limits and boundaries
• You have about 25 words on your first birthday
  

  

  Well Hello there...

  
  

  

  This man... my Uncle Trix

  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  Spaghetti.... mmmm.

  
  

  

  Yes, I'm cute

  
  

  

  Daddy, let's go over there

  
  

  

  What did you say?

  
  

  

  Momma and me

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  My da-dads

Dear Daven {April 5, 2017}

While rocking you to sleep this afternoon, I thought to myself, I would just like to hold him for the entirety of his nap.  You are growing so fast you are 23 pounds and some odd ounces, you are over 31 inches tall and most pleasing to this Speech Pathologist momma's heart is the amount of babbling you do; I just want to cherish these moments.  I know better though.  You would have slept for 20 minutes in my arms versus the 1.5 hours in your crib.  

Today it is your Nana Alice's birthday- we tried calling her today but it got abruptly interrupted by me needing to tend to you.  Today, you are sick.  You have a stomach bug.  You vomited from 4 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. last evening.  Finally falling asleep closer to 11 for a longer stretch of time.  You woke in the morning in a fairly pleasant state however this is when the diarrhea started and hasn't stop yet.  

I've changed over 30 diapers today.  Not kidding.  Your poor bottom is so red and painful that you anticipate a diaper change and the screaming starts prior to even the change.  My heart aches for you, I want nothing more than to make you feel better and this unfortunately is something that has to "run it's course".  

I've been watching closely to make sure you don't get dehydrated.  I'm pretty sure you are awfully close to needing more than what I can do at home.  The pediatrician's office wasn't too concerned that you no longer are crying tears, because your mouth is still wet.  I can only pray that this is the case and that things will turn around soon because anything that goes in, comes out either the top or the bottom.

You had a couple of hours in the evening time in which I thought certainly things are starting to look up.  You wanted to play, tease Nadia, read books, and talk to yourself and anyone who would listen.  I was rewarded with a few opportunities to take photos of you.  What amazes me the most is your ability to be happy and content during the few moments you've had today which weren't wrought with pain, vomiting, or malaise.

You love "problem solving"

...and have not quite figured out to go around versus over things yet

Books, books, and more books

one of your favorite activities

peek-a-boo I see you

Sadly, you went to bed in a completely different set of pajamas as the vomiting started all over again.  I just hope I have enough patience to make it through another day and hope that the end result is not me getting the stomach bug.

I love you little man, I love you.

p.s. This blog post was going to be about how terrible my day felt.  Then I realized how terrible it must have been for you.  One thing I hope other parents understand is if kids are sick, they are not making your day bad, they are responding to being sick.  They are learning how to cope and it's hard for these little guys.

PPD {a difficult topic}

There is no other way to bring to the forefront difficult topics other than being just plain upfront and open about them.

I have PPD otherwise known as Postpartum Depression.

I was asked by a past colleague of mine how things were going and I mentioned that after getting the PPD under control and the GI issues of my little guy under control things felt a lot better.  Her response was similar to a few others, which was one of surprise, that me of all people, would get postpartum depression.  I may just be the happiest PPD individual out there :)

I could leave this blog at this point and just state the mere fact of having PPD, but it would do no justice to others who think it would never happen to them or shouldn't happen to them.  Nor would it do justice for purposes of education.  The frank matter of the situation is that while some may be predisposed as perhaps I was to PPD, you really have no choice if you are the 1 in 10 statistic that gets PPD.

Baby blues, typical baby blues comes and go usually within the first 3-4 weeks.  After that, it could be PPD.  For me the crying started on day four post birth.  Uncontrolled crying.  The crying left me feeling like I had lost all control of my body and mind.  By week six I had convinced myself that I had everything in control.  That was until the Ob/GYN asked me at my 6 week follow up how I was doing and I couldn't answer, or rather, I answered by crying uncontrollably.

For my and my journey through PPD the crying wasn't the biggest challenge.  It was the anxiety that came with it.  I don't just mean having a moment of anxiety or panic I am referring to heart stopping, tear producing, thoughts that I had no control over which produced significant at debilitating anxiety.  NO, these were not thoughts of harming myself, the baby, or others.  It happens like this:

I would be driving over a bridge and all of a sudden my mind would start racing with thoughts like this..., "Oh my goodness, what am I going to do if this bridge collapses?  How do I save the baby, myself, and my furbaby?  Do I let the dog drown? NO! I can't bear to live without my dog.  Ok, I have to have a plan.  Ok, grab the leash as you are reaching back to unbuckle the baby at the same time kicking the window of the car out.  You have to remember to kick the window out because you won't be able to break it once the car is immersed in water.  YOu have to remember ot unbuckle yourself too!  Oh man maybe I should just start driving without a seat belt.  Oh pheww!  We are over the bridge.  Then the thought, why'd I just get all working up about that.  Statistics would indicate the likelihood of a bridge collapsing as I drive over it is really rare.

-OR-

I would be sitting in the rocking chair rocking the baby and my mind would race with thoughts about what I would happen if I died or suddenly became deathly ill.  The tears would start and then my heart would physically hurt from loving this little one so much.  Then further thoughts that I cannot die I have to live because who would protect him in his life if it weren't his mom?  And ending thoughts, why'd do I keep getting stuck in thoughts like this?  I am not likely to die.

-OR-

Driving to Target for errands and becoming overwhelmed with anxiety that what would happen if for some odd reason I completely forgot I had a child and I left him in the car?  Panic sets in and obsessive checking to make sure the baby is actually with me and not left at home.  Fully knowing the baby is in the back seat because I can hear him cooing.

-OR-

Having just laid the baby down for a nap becoming so overwhelmed with society pressures to be super human and be able to keep a clean house (because after all I'm not at work during the day), have a meal ready when my husband gets home, and have a happy baby; it would all be so debilitating I could do nothing other than sit on the chair and stare into space, cry until the baby woke up, or fall asleep (which I probably should have been doing anyhow).

These are just a few examples of what my journey through PPD looks like.  I take medication for it and have no qualms about saying this.  If it weren't for medication I'm not sure I would be able to get out of bed each day, nor do I believe that PPD would cure itself with time or just go away.  It doesn't people, it just doesn't.  I also at times refer to this as functional anxiety.  For the simple fact that, I can go about my daily life with a genuine smile on my face and feel completely happy with the exception of times of anxiety/panic.  No one knows any different because anxiety can be invisible as can panic.

Often times I wouldn't say anything about these feelings or anxiety producing thoughts because I felt that others would judge me, and perhaps you will after reading this.  However, I myself know that there is no one else on the face of this earth that would be a better mother to my little one.  At no point in my journey has my ability to care for him disintegrated, in fact if anything he has been cared for more than other babies.

In addition to recognizing early on that I needed assistance and being willing to accept the help when offered to make it though this journey called PPD smoothly, I also have continued to participate in my hobby of photography to help keep me engaged and loving myself so that I can be the best mom I can be.  Some photos in which I will include in this blog post.

I am not looking for sympathy and in fact I don't want it.  I am hoping to open the doors for others who may be struggling and not sure what to do.  I have found embracing the struggles head on, simply acknowledging the anxiety and panic and moving forward without dwelling on it has helped immensely.  Further, the one thing I've wanted to do but have felt incapable of doing is getting Thank you cards written out for the baby shower gifts.  So if you are reading this and you gifted us, Thank you!  It hasn't been for lack of wanting to get the notes out, it's been a balancing act in which thank yous have slid down the priority list because I have to not only take care of little babes but myself as well.  I've also come to accept that my house will not be in perfect order in the following year or so and I now request advance notice if you are coming to visit.

As promised here are a few photos I've taken.  Photography is not only a hobby but an outlet me for.  A creative outlet to express myself in a different way.

-With immense gratitude to my Ob/Gyn who totally gets that first few weeks after giving birth are not necessarily peachy keen and enjoying the small moments is difficult when you have no control over anxiety and panic. -Rachael

20 weeks, half way, 14 ounces, May 6th

I waited for December 21, 2016 for a long time.  December 21, 2016 at 10 a.m. to be specific.  I was to be at the Essentia Health First Street building at 10 a.m.  for a 20 week anatomy scan/ultrasound by a Perinatologist.  Most pregnant woman do not need to see a perinatologist but due to my 'advanced maternal age' (said with a smirk and sassiness) in addition to having an autoimmune disease NOS, I had the pleasure of meeting the perinatologist.

I had hoped and hoped that this ultrasound would include a 3D picture of what my little guy looked like at this point in his development; it did!

For baby:

• At this point in his development I can feel him moving around.  I especially feel him moving when I'm driving or sitting in a car.  He seems to not like me to be in that position.  
• He moves most in the late afternoon
• He has all anatomical parts one needs
• He wouldn't cooperate for part of the ultrasound
• He is approximately the size mango or banana
• He weighs approximately 14-15 ounces
• He's cute!

For myself

• For myself, at this point, I am dealing with strong reflux.  It got to a point where water was even causing some symptoms of reflux.  I am so thankful for the Ob/Gyn telling me that with the reflux in combination with one of my autoimmune symptoms of esophageal dysmotility it would only get worse and best course of action is to take an anti-reflux medication.  This has been a life saver!
• I lose my breath carrying a laundry basket up one flight of stairs
• I'm tired by not fatigued as I was in the first trimester
• My belly popped out around 17-18 weeks
• My legs/feet swell up a little by the evening time
• I'm half way, I have 19 weeks left to go before we meet this little man

Due Date: May 6, 2016
Miracles do happen!

a new blog {NadiaFaye}

Hi-

A quick short note to let me few followers know of a new blog I will also be maintaining.  I started to for the purposes solely of my photography efforts/work.

You can find the new blog at:
http://www.nadiafaye.wordpress.com

Please go have a look and share the information with your friends. Follow my work there.  Encourage your friends to follow me there as well!

If you are in and around the Duluth area, or within the cities area and would be willing to let me shoot (photographically speaking) your children, selves, family, etc... I am open to shooting the first 5 people to contact me for free.

Why?  I want to do this to show mainly myself that I can, prior to charging for my photography enthusiast services.

I can be reached via blog comments at the above link, or via email at rj.lampi@gmail.com

I can't wait to see who contacts me first!!

With renewed excitement towards my photography journey...

pushing past self imposed boundaries

Robert and I are coming up on our one year anniversary; the first year's journey is a topic for a blog at a different time.  The early anniversary gift however is a major player in helping me push past my own boundaries and feelings of inadequacy within the realm of photography.

The traditional first year anniversary gift is 'paper'.  Robert said to me after letting me know of his gift to me, "The gift can be the receipt, that's paper."  It was a five day course on wedding photography. Through Creative Live with the speaker as Jasmine Star.  I have been thrilled with the start of the course and of course have now started to follow Jasmine's blog.  I absolutely love her humor and love that she loves her dog as much as I love mine.

I've dabbled in photography for a number of years.  I struggle with self imposed boundaries which stop me from making progress as I would hope.  Feeling that I'm not quite as good as another photographer, or would someone really want to pay for my services, or getting 'scared' yes scared to take photos and show my work, even to those closest to me.

Well, here's to saying adios and farewell to those barriers to my success.  I am looking forward to shooting my first wedding!  Happening on August 22, 2015. Eight day before my first wedding anniversary.  To make the day even more special, it is my youngest brother Adam's wedding.  He is getting married to Carly, she used to dog-sit for Nadia- my four pawed, furry butt, princess peach.  I am very happy to replace her title of Carly the dog sitter, to Carly my sister-in-law.

these pictures have nothing to do with this posting other than...

she is an adorable fluffy butt!

Look for the wedding photos, coming soon!  Breaking my own barriers in the process- no more self imposed boundaries.  Full steam ahead.

Weekend photos...

Scaring the birds

Fly birdies bly

siblings

On your mark

get

set

go!

Mission accomplished

So serious

Wait what did you say?

Starting the process of  repurposes old sweatshirts

Mia, the assistant on the rotary cutter and cutting board

The start of repurposing an old oil painting

On the inside looking out...

I see something interesting...