I'm here to save the world

 Last year around this same time I sat in my office and cried... I desperately needed and wanted my staff to have access to the COVID vaccination in round one.  I fought, I made my voice heard, my team got vaccinated.  As soon as orders were placed over 90% of my team was in within a few hours getting their first round of COVID vaccinations.  My heart overflowed with joy and hope.

It's fair to say I support vaccinations for COVID.

Fast forward to this year.  The COVID vaccination was approved for emergency use authorization for the 5-12 year olds.  This brought on a whole new set of emotions.  I cannot really put a finger on what made me hesitant to make an appointment for my 5 year old to be vaccinated, but the hesitancy and fear were real.  I spent many hours reading on pros and cons.  I went to work everyday knowing I felt safer because I was vaccinated.  I see and hear the outcomes of those unvaccinated in our ICUs compared to the outcomes of those vaccinated and hospitalized.  I know the value of vaccinations and yet I was hesitant.

You see my 5 year old is neurodivergent.  He has asthma.  He has ADHA.  He has sensory processing disorder.  He has anxiety.  And despite his age he continues to get croup so severe it's ended him in the ED multiple times this past year.  I know that should he get COVID it is a 50/50 chance that it could be mild or severe.  Still I was hesitant.  My mind swirled with the "what ifs" in spite of the cognitive knowledge I have that should he end up infected his outcomes would be better if he were vaccinated.... and still I hesitated.

I made an appointment for his first vaccination only to cancel it a few miles from the appointment, because I didn't feel ready.  I continued to read and I continued to ponder. Ultimately, knowing that my team of PTs and OTs who is part of a proning team in the ICUs is now helping with pediatric patients proning. This ultimately is life saving efforts. I don't want to be on that end.  I still wonder the long term effects.  I still wonder if he would have made the same decision for himself as an adult.  Fact is I am trusting what data we have and making the best decision possible at this moment.

My reason for writing tonight is not to change anyones mind but rather to shed light that it's not an easy decision to make.  It's ok to know the positive impact vaccinations can have and still be hesitant when considering our littlest humans.  It's ok to have conflicting knowledge and emotions.  It happens in life everyday, it just felt magnified when considering little ones.  It's ok.

Today he received his first vaccination and he told the nurse... "I'm here to save the world."

when the world closes in on you

 

We arrived home today and my newly five year old was spent.  He requested to have iPad time which I obliged him with knowing that it would provide him with an opportunity to decompress, something we all need and as adults may not do as often as we should.  After a few minutes I became a little concerned that 1) I didn't hear the iPad playing, and 2) I was not able to visually see where he was.  Not likely a big concern for most parents of 5 years old but for me it is.  You see, my 5 year old has ADHD, sensory processing deficits, and anxiety and has a strong sense of independence and an "I can do it by myself" attitude.  He has on occasion helped himself to attempting to 'take a walk on his own' or 'practice scootering' for a race he's imagined in his mind around the neighborhood.

A little panicked I called him name only to hear a small little voice call out, "I'm in here, in this box."

I knew at that moment tonight would be a night of calming, providing him with as much love as he needed because the outside world and all of it chaos closed in on his sensory system a little too much today.  He needed his small space, he needed time alone, and he needed a safe place to do that in.

I haven't blogged or written much in a very long time and mostly because I am still processing many feelings, thoughts, and internal challenges with being a parent to a small human who seems to need way more than my expertise and years of experiences working with pediatrics can provide.  It's completely different with your own child than one you work with in therapy.

As I reflect this evening on how I can best parent him I am also left pondering my days work and the recent past few months and parenting in general and can totally relate to wanting to be in a box, alone, with a comforting item and a safe place to just be.  I thought about how the small pink bracelet he is wearing in this photo left me with hours of worry and wishing and hoping that none of his peers would tease him for wanting to wear a pink unicorn bracelet just like his best friend, who happens to be a girl.  The same girl, he stood up for when she was bullied by other peers, albeit not in the most appropriate fashion but in a logical 5 year old fashion.  I reflect on how at his young age as his parent I have already experienced the 'looks' from other parents when his strong demands come out or when he's adamant that things go his way.  I then reflect back on how things gets squished out sideways at work when change is happening and it isn't what the team hoped for or would ask for.  I reflect and see there are some parallels.  I know I am hard on myself and look for grace from other parents, my team and family and friends because I as a human in both positions of being a parent and leader for a group; too often fail.  On those days such as today when both work and personal life the world seems to want to crash in on us, I too need a box or at least a safe place to share.

It was one of those nights that you wonder, who else is in Holland with me because I find that while I don't ask often I am in need of support from my fellow Holland parents.  I know I can't be the only one on an island balancing work and life.

*Holland reference is in regards to the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

My son will never be a gymnast

This is a challenging blog to write.  There are so many directions this post could go in.  For now I'll try to narrow it to one factor that as of late has been a huge blessing in our lives.

Daven my oldest encounters daily challenges with gross motor planning, fine motor planning, vestibular challenges (balance), gravitational insecurity, visual perceptual challenges, and sensory processing challenges.  In addition to these challenges he has challenges with inner ear difficulties.  What does all of this mean to a lay person?  It looks like this in daily life:

Your child falls down the steps for no apparent reason.  Your child runs into the corner of walls seemingly unaware as he is running because his brain didn't process quick enough that there was a wall there.  Your child falls and trips over nothing, or just happens to fall down.  Your child is unable to put his arms up quick enough when you throw a ball to him because he couldn't process quick enough that a ball was moving towards him hitting smack in the middle of his chest.  Your child avoids fine motor tasks such as using crayons and scissors.  He seems to be overly sensitive to movement; for example not liking to be thrown up into the air which most children love.  He on the other hand holds tight and wants to enjoy it but outwardly appears quite afraid.  Your child has a difficult time in crowded environments; especially those with high ceilings and/or lots of noise, people, and movement.  Your child has a hard time looking at you because the moment he does he loses his balance especially if the expectation is to have eye contact during movement activities.  Your child has a flight response to being over stimulated so safety is a concern.  Your child fatigues easily in comparison to peers his age.  He is an adorably messy eater.  And never really wants his feet or body to leave a stable place (i.e. the ground/floor).

There isn't anything more painful as a parent than to be watch your child encounter challenges they yet do not know are challenges.  While he has the earlier mentioned challenges he does not have a specific diagnosis nor do I believe it is imperative or necessary to have an actual diagnosis at this point in his life.  What is important is that when as parents we see things that just do not fit we investigate and provide the best opportunities we can with the information we have at the moment.  One of these opportunities came to me through a suggestion to have Daven participate in gymnastics.  As I thought about it, it made more and more sense.  It was a safe place for him to practice gross motor skills without getting hurt.  From day one to today Daven has made huge improvements in his motor skills which have incidentally impacted his language skills and social interaction skills.  I am ever so thankful for The Gymnastic Academy of Duluth MN for working with me as a parent knowing what challenges Daven has and having an inclusive culture.

Daven's first gymnastics session is what I'd describe as a hopeful disaster.  He hard a hard time with many other children in the class in a new surrounding and not knowing what the expectations were.  Let alone never wanting to have his feet leave the ground, be upside down, jump without falling flat on his face and/or knees, be in areas where he couldn't tell where thing started and ended (i.e. going down a slide). 

Here are a few photos from today's session:

He willingly puts himself in the "handstand" position, on his own.  Thanks to his teacher at TGA!

"Cheese, mom". Able to climb structures without much support

He's willing to put his head down and bear walk which previously would have ended in a fall and/or anxiety about trying.

Seems like a small win... however being on his stomach off of the floor would not have happened previously.

Completely in air.  His first few attempts at this box jump resulted in many a face plants and/or landing hard on his knees.  The first time he successfully completed a box jump you could see the pride in himself; he went back over and over again completing the jump over and over.

Still working on the core and being able to swing without falling and/or letting go of the bar.

Here's what I know.  Having Daven start gymnastics has improved his gross motor skills and his ability to process and motor plan new motor skills.  It has also helped increase his self confidence in himself which is a blessing in and of itself.  Incidentally if you know about brain workings one would make the assumption that other areas would improve secondarily and they have!  A special call out to his teacher at The Gymnastics Academy of Duluth whom I'll not name (as I didn't ask her permission to share) for having the patience and interest in working with Daven. Additionally, to Becky and the rest of the staff at TGA!  I am forever grateful for this opportunity and look forward to more improvements. 

Daven will never be a gymnast.  I do however love that he is engaged and excited about trying and participating.  He often asks, "Is it a gymnastics day?"